Intentions vs. Expectations: The Subtle Difference That Shapes Our Relationships and Peace of Mind

We often enter situations with a hopeful heart. We want a meaningful conversation, a successful outcome, a peaceful evening, or maybe just a kind word in return. Yet, when things don’t unfold as we imagined, we’re left disappointed, confused, or even resentful. This emotional unraveling usually isn’t caused by the situation itself, but by the difference between what we intended and what we expected, two words that sound similar but have very different impacts on our well-being.

Intentions are about how we want to show up. They are rooted in our values, choices, and personal agency. An intention is internal: “I want to be patient,” “I want to listen with compassion,” or “I want to speak my truth with kindness.” It comes from a place of clarity and accountability. It doesn’t rely on anyone else. You can hold a strong intention to communicate openly with a family member, regardless of whether they do the same. You can intend to be honest in a relationship, even if the other person withholds. Intentions reflect your integrity, not someone else’s behaviour.

Expectations, on the other hand, are about how we want others or the world to respond. They are outward-facing and often unconscious. “If I’m vulnerable, they should be kind.” “If I help, they should be grateful.” “If I work hard, I should be rewarded.” While these expectations might seem reasonable, they create a trap. They tie our emotional satisfaction to the unpredictable behaviour of other people. And when expectations are unmet - as they often are - we feel hurt, slighted, or betrayed.

The real tension comes when we mistake expectations for intentions. We tell ourselves we’re acting with good intentions, but deep down we’re seeking a specific response. When that response doesn’t come, our disappointment reveals the hidden expectation. This can create a cycle of blame, conflict, or withdrawal, especially in close relationships.

That’s why therapists, coaches, and mindfulness teachers so often emphasize the value of setting clear intentions - especially in difficult or emotionally charged situations. Intentions anchor us to what we can control: our mindset, our actions, and our reactions. They allow us to walk away from an interaction, not asking, “Did they respond how I wanted?” but instead, “Did I act in a way that feels right to me?”

Feeling grounded.

This doesn’t mean we should have no expectations at all and it certainly doesn't mean that setting intentions is easy work. Boundaries, standards, and hopes are part of every healthy relationship. But when we confuse those for guarantees - or believe we’re entitled to them just because we showed up “the right way” - we end up suffering more than we need to. Those who are close to me (and now you!), know that I will often carry a rock in my pocket to remind myself to be grounded, stay true to myself, and not get carried away with the other person's disrespectful behaviour.

In the quiet space between what you hope will happen and what actually does, you have a choice. You can cling to expectations and be at the mercy of others, or you can root yourself in your intentions and stand steady, regardless of the outcome. One leads to constant disappointment. The other, to quiet strength.

When you start noticing the difference, you’ll find something powerful: the ability to choose how you move through the world, even when the world doesn’t move with you.